just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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