we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
