Heybabeimwearingurpanties
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
