Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
