I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
