She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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