just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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