god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
