Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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