so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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