The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
