my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
