I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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