I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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