I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
