I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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