i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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