So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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