What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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