Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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