So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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