So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
