thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Houston, we have a blender
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
