i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
