The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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