What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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