I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
