It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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