did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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