Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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