He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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