I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
