I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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