I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
