Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
