he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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