You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
