The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
