i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
