I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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