Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
