Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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