He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
