So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
