Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
