My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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