i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
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Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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