My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
