You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
