He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
