the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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