Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
