Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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