When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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