Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
