I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
