So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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