the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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