Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
