I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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